Somewhere between 18 months and 2 years, children go through a developmental crisis referred to, in our paradigm, as the Self-Affirmation Crisis.  In more traditional paradigms this period is referred to as the Opposition Crisis.  This is a time when children respond to most yes-no questions with “no”.  This is a time when the child is coming to accept that she is a separate being, a separate entity—not a part of anyone else.  The Self-Affirmation Crisis usually begins with the word “no” and ends when the child begins to refer to herself as “I”.  Prior to this time a child will refer to themselves by their name, by “me”, by “my” – but not “I”.

The most successful way to navigate this crisis is to offer the child choices about anything that there can be a possible choice for.  “Do you want an apple or a banana?”  “Do you want to brush your teeth before your bedtime story or after?”   In these choices there is no problem with either choice the child makes.  But making a choice is empowering for a child.  

However, there are some life situations in which the child has no choice.  “Can you fasten your car seat by yourself, or do you need my help?”  “As we cross the street, do you want to hold my hand, or shall I hold yours?”  “Can you get off the table by yourself or do you need my help?”  The other critical aspect of offering choices is to allow the child to experience the consequences of the choice made.  So, if a child chooses an apple over a banana, you prepare it and the child changes his mind, you simply can say, “Today you chose an apple.  Perhaps tomorrow you can choose a banana.”  No manipulation, just a simple statement of facts.

The biggest mistake during this time frame is to be ambivalent about the child’s growing maturity, possibilities, capabilities.  As the child leaves infancy and moves into childhood, we want to hold them back as our baby.  This gives a very mixed message to a child.  “You are a big boy and know how to put your shoes on.  But I want you to still be my baby.”

It is imperative for parents/teachers to celebrate this developmental stage, acknowledging that it is a normal phase of development, and to support the child as much as possible by creating self-empowering choices, allowing the child to experience the consequences of the choice they made.