Dr. Montessori calls adults to be our best selves, to observe ourselves, reflect and grow individually, and then with a practiced eye and deep self-awareness, scientifically observe the child “anywhere you can”. Self-reflection feels challenging; inner analysis and intentional growth and change may be difficult. These practices, however, remain vital for us to transform into adults who can sensitively attune with young children. Especially for children from birth to age three, the adult embodies the human characteristics to which the child, through the power of their absorbent mind and the focus of the sensitive periods, will adapt. The adult provides a daily example of the human beings and human relationships of the child’s time, place, and culture; as such, we want to encourage parents and caregivers surrounding the child in their early years to embody qualities worthy of their rapid development and adaptation, including respect, sensitivity, knowledgeable, nurturing care, and support for the child’s dignity and intellect.
In The Discovery of the Child, Dr. Montessori reflected that “every child reveals himself, and it is remarkable how clearly individual differences stand out”. To adequately follow the child, adults must observe to recognize each child’s temperament, reflect on each child’s needs, track patterns in their development, realize their interests, understand their drives, and sensitively distinguish and respond to their unique personalities. This enables adults to appropriately link the child with the means for their own creative self-construction within beautifully prepared environments.
We must wonder then why some adults are better able to follow the child than others? Myriad reasons exist, including the person’s past experiences, coupled with whether they grew in environments that responded to their needs and interests; the practices of intentional and active reflection as necessitated by Montessori philosophy; and can even stem from physiological skill building—those parental and caregiver brain changes spurred on by biological and social proximity to the children in one’s consistent care.
Research shows that children with attuned adults have vastly different outcomes than children whose adults are more often mis-attuned to their needs. Nurturing care and relationships impact the child’s developing nervous system, especially their developing stress system circuitry. As the child receives responsive care, it supports their developing psychological health by keeping arousal within manageable levels and can act as a buffer against the negative impacts of adverse childhood experiences. Indeed, sensitive, empathetic care of the youngest children offers the child the experience of “feeling seen”; when parents possess the capacity to perceive and recognize the active and important inner life of the child, the adult can see the world from the infant’s point of view. When reflective, engaged adults mirror the child’s states of mind, it reduces their stress, aids behaviours through co-regulation, and moderates the developing stress systems so the child can later, independently regulate their own stress in safe, healthy ways. The beauty of early, attuned care enables adults to follow the child instead of “imposing ourselves” upon them.
Attunement, the ability to be responsive to others’ signals and emotions, understand them, and respond appropriately while adjusting to the person’s needs [6] involves both engagement and disengagement and exists as an impermanent state. Looking slightly deeper, attunement can be distinguished as alignment of states of mind during which each person’s state of mind both influences and is influenced by the other. A deeply vulnerable state, attunement requires the capacity to read often nonverbal signals from the child and respond to the need for either attuned engagement or more distanced autonomy.
As mentioned above, many adults gain brain-based possibilities for attunement through matrescence (beginning during pregnancy) and patrescence (beginning after the child’s birth)—these transitions into motherhood and fatherhood cause biochemical changes within the birthing parent’s and consistent caregiver’s brains that allow them to tune in to their child’s cries and verbal communications, read their nonverbal cues, and understand their needs with greater levels of accuracy. Through the daily, connected, nurturing care of their young infant, parents’ and caregivers’ brains literally change to be better in sync with that child. Regardless of the level of sensitive care the new parent may have experienced during their own childhood, these repeated, attuned engagements with their new baby can repattern areas of their adult brains at the same time as their infant’s brain develops healthfully.
In addition to biochemical support for attunement, adult attunement grows through practices of self-observation and self-awareness; tuning into our own bodies; being present within our own minds; and managing stress through breathwork and meditation, adults can cultivate more physical and psychological availability for the children in our lives. The Montessori practice of observation and the continuous cycle of observation and reflection support adults in assessing the child, their interests, their needs, and elements of the environment that can meet those needs. Through observation as an ongoing element of our personal and professional work, adults can learn who children are, what they truly need, how adults can validate those needs, and how to offer appropriate freedom while setting necessary, compassionate limits.
Cultivating interpersonal relationships with the children in our lives, whether at home, in schools, or in other community settings, builds the necessary foundation for attunement. Adults must slow down, listen dynamically, and really come to know the people in our lives at every age and stage; this supports attunement and becomes especially vital when the inevitable misalignment or misattunement occurs. Through relationship, challenges can be worked through and alignment repaired and recovered. Children growing with this relationship-based, attuned caregiving are shown to have secure attachment and typically become well-regulated children because attuned care minimizes distress, regulates behaviour, and helps the child to organize themselves.
Attuned care practices with children can include embodied relationships with responsive facial expressions, gestures, and touch. Physical holding and co-regulation through skin-to-skin contact aids regulation of their heart rates, respiration, temperature regulation, and digestion, especially with the newborns’ and infants’ familiar, consistent adults. Reciprocity occurs when adults are present with the child, seeing them in that exact moment with the child sharing the connection; those moments feel different to both child and adult due to joint attunement. Other practices such as playing together, rocking, and hugging support the child in feeling safe, protected, and in charge, as well as decreasing stress. Being in sync can occur around sounds and movements that connect children and adults, such as stories, songs, chanting, swaying, dancing, and making music as well as through daily activities that allow for connecting emotional states. Validation through verbal communication, deep listening to truly hear another’s thoughts, and respectful responses with positive language also support attunement with adults and children.
We recognize the long-term outcomes of attunement, such as positive brain system development, independent behaviour regulation, increased coping skills, emotional regulation, and emotional intelligence, as well as the ability to exercise courage, confidence, agency, and actively work through stress. To offer children these positive outcomes through early, attuned relationships, we adults must guide the way and partner with the child. Knowledgeable self-development, scientific observation, and intentional relationship-building form the foundation for positive, attuned relationships for people of all ages.
As we reflect and build on this understanding of attunement and its place within Montessori philosophy and practice, let us remember what Dr. Montessori shared in The 1946 London Lectures: Before we can give help, we must understand; we must follow the path from childhood to adulthood. If we can understand, we can help and this help must be the plan of our education: to help man to develop… his greatness.
Cristel Ruiz, AMI 0–3 Trainer
