When we talk about Montessori education, what we know is central to the methodology is following the development of the child. We see that there are significant changes that happen between the first six years of life and the next six years of life. As a result, we see differences in the child’s behaviour. In many ways, this is exciting and wonderful. In others, it can challenge us as adults, as we must adjust how we interact with the child. One very easily misinterpreted but often prominent change in the early years of transition, especially from around age 5 to age 7, is what we as adults like to call “tattling”: the child coming to us and reporting what others are doing, often when it is counter to their understanding of the rules.
So, let’s look at the development of the child and reframe our thinking. To do so, we have to first understand what tattling is. Tattling is similar to what we as adults refer to as whistleblowing. It's reporting an instance or wrongdoing to someone in authority and expecting action to be taken. Tattling requires the participation of the person in charge, in this case the adult. It requires the authority to act on the information.
However, taking a step back and centring our focus on the child’s development, we might find that something altogether different is happening! If we look, developmentally, at what is happening we can reframe our thinking and may see that “tattling” is not the child’s intention at all! Our 5 to 7-year-olds are often not actually trying to get someone in trouble. Rather, they are asking for direction and confirmation regarding what they have seen or experienced.
The elementary child is ready to navigate who they are in relation to the other people around them; they are figuring out how society works. Within that, they are coming to an understanding within the logical, reasoning mind of what is right, what is wrong, and why it is so. This means they are incredibly compassionate and intensely interested in rules and fairness. Instead of thinking of their questioning as rude or problematic, but rather as a setting of the moral compass, we are able to then look at this from a developmental point of view.
The young child who is reporting the infractions of others to you is looking for confirmation. They want to know that they're reading the situation correctly. They're not asking you to act on the information, they're simply asking you to confirm that their interpretation of something as right or wrong is consistent with what the expectations and the morality of the group is. You are the expert in their mind, and if they trust you to give them guidance, they will come to you for that confirmation. You want that! You want the child to be coming to you as the parent, or guide, to double check and see that they’re understanding the societal expectations and restrictions in a way that’s expected. They are looking to verify that they have understood what the moral and just thing to do is and they need you to help them navigate.
When a child is setting their moral compass, they need a reliable source of information…that’s us! We provide the child with clear direction around what is considered right or wrong within our environment, and we do so consistently and without attaching emotion to the seeking of information. This creates trust and safety within the child.
In fact, what we sometimes call tattling is actually a beautiful milestone for the children in their development and a lovely opportunity for us to establish with the child that there is a resource of support available when they navigate things that are of concern. These moral conundrums don’t go away as a child gets older, but, if the child is never given guidance or a response from you, other than “stop tattling”, what will go away is them seeking your advice.
It doesn’t always feel like it, but it’s an absolute honour and privilege to have the child come to you to confirm what is right or wrong, because it means you're a reliable resource of information. When we can reframe how we think about this reporting, it allows us to make space for supporting the child without our own frustration. It also allows us to help children know what the next step would be when there is an infraction or concern. It developmentally supports their critical thinking about things happening in the environment and how they can engage with what they agree with, and what they don’t. The ability to rely on us when they need, gives them the confidence to rely on themselves when they are able.
Andrea Fleener, AMI 6–12 Trainer
